Baylie's Asylum

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12:22am 13/11/2006

mood:

sad

Sad. I keep fighting with my boyfriend and getting pissed at him. I feel like I'm pissed that he and I don't act like we used to. Every time I hung out with him back then, I would smile all night after i got home. We didn't have any problems. And now we fight and push each other's buttons. And the thing is, is that no matter how pissed I get at him, I can't stop loving him. I hate the fact that I am so in love with him that I can't stay mad at him. Even though I hate being mad at him, I feel like I give in way to easily and then nothing gets accomplished from our fight. I know I'm important to him, but sometimes I feel like I'm not. I hate getting ignored. We used to talk on the phone for HOURS, and now I get on the phone with him, and 5 minutes later, he finds something to distract him. And by the time we start talking, he is too tired to stay on the phone. We have nothing to say to each other anymore, so we start fighting. I don't know what to do. He means more to me than anyone I've ever met. I can't imagine life without him, but I am really tired of going home crying instead of smiling. I love him, and I really want things to be how they used to be. We've been together for almost 7 months, but I wish we still acted like we did after 2. :( I'm going to bed.

06:47am 27/10/2006

mood:

groggy

Wow, haven't written in this for a long time now. Nothing exciting is going on. Oh, except alot of my smart friends are turning into fucking stupid druggies, I was taken advantage of and almost raped, I feel so digusting that I can't kiss my boyfriend anymore, and oh yeah, I might be gay. And my dad hates gay people. Can you tell that life is really good right now? Yup, I feel like shit basically. Um, on the bright side, I have a computer in my room now, and I just had my 6 month anniversary. That's about the extent of my joy. I want to kill someone. Now I get to go to school. Kill me.

08:16pm 07/09/2006

mood:

blah

Crystal leaves for Rome tomorrow :(.... Sooooo sad.... I'm gonna miss her like fucking crazy for 10 months. I guess that's not too too long though....

But, relating to my last entry: My boyfriend is not a douche. In fact, I love him... a lot, and he is the reason I smile. I feel bad for posting that, because he's made the last (almost) five months the best few months of my life. And he is the most important person in the world to me. In fact, I want to go call him and hear my sweetie's voice. <3

09:50pm 01/09/2006

mood:

pissed off

I am starting to feel like a mediocre girlfriend. I don't feel like he thinks I'm good enough for him. He hangs out with his other female friends more than me, and I'm starting to think I'm doing something wrong. "So, how's carolyn?" "Broken up, so you better watch out." Not funny. If he were to cheat on me with someone, it would be her. She's a nice girl, but I swear I will (hire someone to) kick her ass next time I see her hitting on my boyfriend. So I'm a jealous girlfriend... oh well. I don't have a problem with him hanging out with people like Kaytlyn and Hannah and the other girls he's been friends with forever, because I know they will stay friends and respect me. The only problem is that I don't have the balls to confront him when he pisses me off, which lately is a lot more often than he realizes. I don't want to see him unhappy, but I need to let him know when he's crossed a line with me. Maybe it's my fault that he doesn't like spending time with me. And I know he's talked about me behind my back to my friends.... and it is really pissing me off. All I know is I love my boyfriend but right now I want to beat the crap out of him. I'm going to bed.

10:48pm 20/08/2006

mood:

cranky

Fucking school Tuesday. And I have to work tomorrow night. Ew ew ew. I hung out with Robbie after work today. I love him. The first day of school will be our four month anniversary. :) Which officially makes him my longest relationship ever. Haha. Pathetic? I think so. But I'm currently his third longest relationship after Dana (2 years) and Kaleigh (10 months-ish). And I want to out-date them both... combined. haha. My brother is leaving for college on Thursday. And I have to work Wednesday night.... :( I am going to miss him like fucking crazy. What am I supposed to do without him around? Now I have to try super hard to pay for boulder so that I can chill with my brother. I'm basically a mess because he's leaving. He's the one person I've had around for my whole life. Since the day I was born, I've had him. Not my mom, not my dad, not my cousins, or friends or grandparents. He's the only person I've never ever ever ever had a falling out with. And now he's leaving. And starting Thursday, life isn't going to be the same. He's my big brother... he's always had my back.

10:03pm 16/08/2006

mood:

indifferent

I just spent the last few hours with Crystal and her new boy. I'm going to miss her so so so much. :( We hung out with Hannah, Brianna, Gimpy, Dani, and for a while, Robbie. We walked around the lake, there was a concert going on, so there were a ton of people I knew. I ran into Louis's friend, Eric, who told me something interesting... hmm. I also saw my friend Alecia who I havn't seen in forever. It was pretty fun. My mom called yesterday. I wasn't home to answer. I haven't heard from her in a while, so seeing her on the caller ID was good. I miss her so much. I miss Florida, I miss my family. I'm homesick. Blah. For some reason, I've been feeling the same way I felt when I was new to Evergreen. Its the feeling of not belonging and having very weak bonds with people. Laaame. Anyways... going shopping tomorrow, w00t. And this was most likely the most exciting journal entry... ever. I'm done.

10:57pm 11/08/2006

mood:

sore

Ow. Band camp. Finally over. Agh. Amazing though. It was sooo much fun. But hard, oh god. I've gotten flexible as hell though. I'm about an inch away from having the splits on my left leg. yayyy. OMG the seniors are all taking a CRUISE to the BAHAMAS this year. Just the seniors in band over spring break, including the guard. YAY omg. It costs about 1000 bucks, but if I fundraise enough, I can get the whole cost covered. It's gonna be awesome, cause I've made friends with some of the seniors I didn't used to like and this new Senior, ben. So it's gonna be fucking awesome. I love guard. This year is just good. And the stupid freshmen are starting to catch on. Always a good thing. AND we get to stay 2 nights in pueblo for state if we make finals. If we don't we still get to stay one night though. Schweet. Band geek woo hoo. So.... this one time at band camp.... no. Band camp was good though. And I'm sore as fuck, so I'm gonna go take a bath and watch Rent. wooooo.

07:58pm 27/07/2006

mood:

jealous

Aggahahahaghaghagaaggg. Life makes me want to puke. I would like to go back to elementary school. Or be old and in my death bed. I'm not happy. The end.

03:34pm 25/07/2006

mood:

confused

Argghahahahh. Work was a bitch today. Imagine the world's largest lunch rush with two servers working. Customers bitching, servers bitching. So now, I'm bitching. Bah ha. Oh well, I really don't care, I'm eating cheese pizza and it's marvelous. AND AND AND OMG, I'm going to Film on the Rocks tonight at Red Rocks to watch Pink Floyd's The Wall, one of my favorite movies EVER. Everyone will be high, my brother is planning on going there baked. However, Stephie, Kaytlyn, and I will be sober. Pot is gross. Steph G, Chloe, Brianna, Zach, Tweak, and all those lovely people will be there. Oh how jolly. I'm planning on dressing like a hippy, and it will be snazzy. I'm super excited.

I went and saw Clerks Two last night. I havn't seen the first but man oh man it was fucking hilarious. I know I've said I don't like stupid movies like that, but I have a guilty pleasure for Jay and Silent Bob movies. Jay is hot (for a guy). And oh lord, Rosario Dawson is a FOX, oh man. I'd tap that haha. While I was there, I kinda got mad at Robbie. I'm over it though. He just makes me feel like I'm always wrong. But I talked to him about it, so whatever. But being pissed led to a mental breakdown about my mother. I miss her. I'm glad she and I are talking again, but I really want to move to Florida. I know I talk about moving a lot. Tennessee, Ohio, Florida. But college is in a year. Maybe I'll look into FL. And live with my cousin. I'll worry about it later. But anyways. I'm a lesbian. Yes. No one believes me, but I think I might be lol. I love Robbie though. But who knows. Maybe I just need to come out of the closet haha. God, I'm stupid lol.

12:12am 22/07/2006

mood:

thoughtful

I hate spam email. "One new email." Oh boy. I remember when I actually got emails. From people. Not "horny house wives" or "shoot loads like a cannon." Grrrr. I don't have a penis, I'm not interested in your e-product scams. Or your horny e-women who could probibly comfortably stick a bowling ball into their twats. Sluts. And I always get the emails when I'm away from my computer. Normally I get a pop up saying "you've recieved an email from _____" and then I can just delete it right away. But they ALWAYS come while I'm away, and then I have to go through the process of opening MSN messenger, clicking on the mailbox, waiting for my epileptic computer to recover for long enough to open explorer, and then getting bombarded with "add 5 inches in just one week!" FUCK YOU. AHH whatever. I came home expecting a hello from a family member or an I love you from my boy. But no. Spam. People die from eating spam, why would they want it in their computer too? Blah... anyways.

I just came home from seeing Lady in the Water. Another desperate attempt by M. Night Shyamalan to make an ever-so-original movie to keep viewers on the edge of their seats. Sorry, mister. You failed again. You should have quit at the Sixth Sense. Why did you ever think that Signs or The Village would be a good idea? Just give up, people are laughing. I mean, seriously. He has stooped to the level of making a movie about a mermaid (no, I'm sorry, a Narf) who needs to get back into the damn pool before she gets attacked by the grass wolf. What the fuck?!?!? If he wasn't so damn determined to make a hollywood-worthy film that would appeal to some of the retards who buy tickets for a cheap thrill that they remember for about a day and soon move on to the next "amazing movie," he may have had something there. The moral of the movie wasn't a bad idea at all. It's just that the moral was lost in the candy-coating of another horror movie that will just rot on the shelves of Blockbuster within a week of it's DVD debut. Despite my hysterical laughter and my amusment with the bad acting, I managed to find this moral. The message that I got from this movie was that people really don't appreciate people or beauty until the possibility of loss becomes as painful to witness as another anvil being dropped on Wilee Coyote. But of course, the fact that I actually LEARNED something from a movie was probibly just a fluke. They don't ACTUALLY mean to put something worthwhile in a movie like that. Waking Life, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. There are some movies worth seeing. But if you're in it for the nudity or the thrills, you may want to pick something along the lines of "Harold and Kumar go to While Castle," the epitome of what the average american teenager expects from their 6 dollar movie rental. "WHAT?! I DIDN'T PAY FOR A MORAL!!! BRING ON THE NAKED WOMEN AND BEER!!" Fucking teenagers.

10:53am 14/07/2006

mood:

tired

So. Home sweet home? Nope. I'm now in St.Augustine Florida. I couldn't make the flight to Denver, because I fly standby and it was too crowded, so my back up plan was to come to Florida, so now I'm here with my cousins until tomorrow. Then I get to fly from Jacksonville to Cincinatti (I can't spell, shut up, I'll kill you) and from there to Denver, and HOPEFULLY I'll make it home. But as of today I get to see my old life. It's crazy seeing all this stuff I havn't seen for 4 years. Kinda sad though. But today I'm going to the beach when Alex gets home from work and then Zac is meeting us there after work. It will be fun fun. I just hope I can get home tomorrow. I'm homesick. And I miss mister boyfriend man more than anything. I just wanna go hommmmme and maybe hit the coffee house tomorrow night. Band camp in 3 days WOOT! and Robbie's b-day in 4 days. I better be home for this. I luffles him. Yes sir I doo. I had a dream last night that I was with some other guy and I had never been with Robbie, but in my dream I was like "I need to break up with this guy, I want Robbie." So obviously, my brain likes Robbie. Good brain *pat pat*. But yes, I'm going to go wander out into Alex and Zac's house and talk to their family so I don't seem rude for using their house and locking myself inside Alex's room while Alex and Zac are at work. Yes yes yes. Goodbye. Take me homeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. AHHH!

05:06pm 12/07/2006

mood:

indifferent

I was supposed to come home today, but I'm still in Tennessee. Flights looked bad, so I didn't get to leave when my cousins left. If this had happened any other time I had come out here, I would have been very very very happy, but this time I want to go home. I didn't have very much fun this trip until the last two days. Everyone fought, and it made me upset. There is too much drama on this side of my family. I wish my brother had come... But hey I'll be home tomorrow. There is nothing more I would like right now than to take a shower in my bathroom and lay in my bed and (hopefully) see the boy of my dreams/ the love of my life. I got him a very nice birthday gift, I hope he likes it. If he doesn't, I'm afraid I'm going to have to keep it haha. I wouldn't mind having it. He is grounded though... my fault :(. But hopefully his mom will get over it at least for his birthday. I want to give him his gift and a kiss, and fall into his arms and stay there for as long as I was gone. I love him so much, being without him has made this trip seem even longer. Less than 24 hours til I'm home though, and I can't wait. I won't be home later than 3 or 4 tomorrow, so I'll have tomorrow night to do something. Woot. Well right now I am at my aunt's work, at the hotel she works at, and I'm enjoying this cinnamon roll too much to keep typing... so bye. And Robbie, I love you and I can't wait to see you!!!!!!!!

12:34pm 15/06/2006

mood:

confused

I'm feeling very sad today. No reason in particular, I just am. I'm sad for a lot of reasons, none of which really make any sense at all.

I'm sad that for some people, hurting people is just a part of their daily lives, and they can go on living just as if they hadn't just ripped someone apart. I don't understand it. This isn't a reference to anything going on in my life, because Robbie and I are doing very very good, but it still makes me sad. In the past month, I've seen several people get hurt for no reason at all, I've seen my best friend's condition after she got raped, and I've watched people go behind the backs of the people they claim to care about for some stupid selfish reason. I really hope I never end up like that. I never want to make someone cry... I wish life wasn't so complicated. I wish people could just be happy with what or who they have. I for one have been blessed with the most amazing and compatible guy in the world, and there's never a second that I take my luck for granted. Because some people just accept whatever they can get in a desperate attempt to feel loved, and then end up hurt.

I'm also sad because I've been thinking a lot about my mother. I'm going to Tennessee in 2 weeks to see my mom's side of the family and she won't be there... She doesn't deserve to have me miss her, but I really do. I would like more than anything to sit and have a talk with her, just once, I want to get my point across. I want to tell her that even though she's done a lot of shit to her family, I think that life is too short to stay mad at your own mother.

Another thing is that I'm having a hard time getting over stuff that I should have been over a long long long long time ago.

So, basically, I'm really sad over a ton of things that happened a long time ago, or that don't really apply to me. Wow. But hey, band camp starts Monday... woot.

01:27pm 10/06/2006

mood:

groggy

Tireddddddd as helllll...... not going into details...

But yes... I just found out that a friend of mine banged another friend of mine, and didn't tell me... I gagged and almost puked. It's kinda nasty. In a car.... no, car sex = bad. And considering the people.... even ewwwwer.

Oh well.... Well, I got a fucking exam for birth control two days ago..... a stranger's hand up my crotch.... and a lot of clicking. Yes... not fun.

Speaking of crotches..... wait, what? Hmm well, I can't see my Robbie for a few days. He had the ACT today and I have work tonight, and I have work tomorrow night, and Monday night.... Maybe I can see him during the day tomorrow or Monday. He makes my summer good. I love him so much. We went to Cold Stone the other day, I got cotton candy flavored ice cream with gummy bears in it. It was marvelous. Even when his mom is around, I have so much fun with him. Just being around him.... I feel like I've finally clicked into place. Which is weird because as Robbie said to me, "You're complicated... not in a bad way... you're complicated because I'm an uneven surface and you fit." I think that was the best description I've ever heard about us. We watched a Quinten Tarintino (I can't spell hard names lol) movie... yes... we watched it..... yes.... I'm not lying.... nope.... *cough*.... anyways. But in summary. Amazing. I'm so so so so so happy. And in love. I'm pretty sure this is the first time I've ever been in love, because this relationship is so much better than the only other one I said "I love you" during... because Robbie is perfect.

One more thing. If I ever come across the guy who raped my best friend.... I swear to fucking God I'm going to kill him. That's a fucking promise.

11:17pm 04/06/2006

mood:

melancholy

I just found this band, The Birthday Massacre. And I like this song. And the lyrics are cool... The song is called "Horror Show"

They're getting ugly. They're a horror show. And now we're laughing because they'll never know, that they have everything. We give them all of our own. And they tell us they're sick and they're all alone.

They make fools of us together but we always think of them. All their laughing and their talking and their wasting of our time. And it always hurts to see them now that everything is different. We don't like to see their eyes cause they will never look the same.

They shut the door. We fell far behind. We try forgiveness, but they cross the line. And now the moment has passed and we can't rewind. We are dead long before we run out of time.

11:22pm 01/06/2006

mood:

pissed off

I'm upset. Robbie got sentenced today. He's able to go places without his mom, and he doesn't have the ankle moniter anymore, but he has a 6:00 curfew. He has one year left of high school... he can't go to school with his friends and now it's gonna be even harder for him to see them. Thank God it's summer though, there's plenty to do before 6. But this whole situation is stupid. I wish there was something I could do for him... I am so sad that all of this is getting worse, and I'm falling harder and harder for him. I hope he knows that no matter what those fucking asses do to him, I'm always going to be here, and I love him more than anything. I really really do. Tonight, a bunch of people went to Catie's for pancakes, and he was there. Even though there were a bunch of my friends there, I didn't want to let go of him. I love everything about him. Every time I see him, no matter what kind of mood I'm in, I can't stop smiling. It's gotten to the point that I don't think there is a single person or situation in the world that can come between us. Even if his curfew was 12 p.m, nothing would change. This situation sucks, and even if he and I can never be alone together, I'll still love him just as much and see him as much as I possibly can. So take that, government. You can try to ruin his life, but I won't fucking let you. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and no fucking judge is going to break someone as amazing as him.

08:29pm 25/05/2006

mood:

Bubbly

Yayyayayayayay. There are about 10 8th graders joining guard. WOO HOO!!! This season may actually be worth doing. Fuck people who think guard is stupid, I'm cool. Yes, cool. And guard is fun. YAY. And the 8th graders I met are ADORABLE. Especially this one girl, Emily. We talk online, and she's me 3 years ago. I really hope she sticks to guard cause she is pretty awesome.

Anyways. Two days til I get to see my cute little blonde boy. <3 I have all weekend off of work except for Friday, and no school on Monday. So, I hope I get to see him at least once this weekend. I really want to see "See No Evil" but I really don't like sleeping with the lights on... hmm. Maybe I'll go see the DaVinci Code instead. But yes, Robbie just got online, so that's distracting me. The end.

10:09pm 19/05/2006

mood:

peaceful

I am falling in love very very very fast. I haven't seen Robbie since Sunday, but we talk every night. I see his name on MSN, and I IM with with, "ROBBIIEEEEE!!!!" and he goes, "BAYYYYYYYYLIEEE!!! How are you my cuddly, adorable, amazing, decadent girl?" It's ADORABLE. He's amazing. He even wants me to bring Rent to his house so he can see the movie I'm obsessed with, even though the idea of a musical about AIDS and gayness isn't really his cup of tea. He is wonderful. Distance really does make us wise. Because I realized that I've always had these feelings for him while he was in jail, and now that he's home, and we're together, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. I always used to wonder what would come of a longer relationship with him, instad of the five days we were together sophomore year. And now I have closure knowing that being together has ended up being one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I like the way that he doesn't judge me, even if I do things that he doesn't agree with. I love how there is never an akward moment between us. I went to his house on Sunday, and we ended up just laying on his bed spooning and talking. We talk about everything. Music, movies, life, friends, food, and about each other. He's not afraid to be gushy to my face. We used to only talk about our relationship online or on the phone, but lately, we've gotten so much closer that I can look him in the eyes and tell him how he makes me giddy and that I can't sleep because I can't stop thinking about him. Everything he does is amazing. When we have movie nights with our friends, we sit together holding hands, and he runs his fingers through my hair. He holds my neck when he kisses me. I love when he comes up behind me and puts his arms around me. I feel so cheesy, but something about the way his hand always finds mine, and the way he kisses me so romantically when we say goodbye, leads me to believe that I am falling very quickly in love with him. He really is the most amazing person I've ever met. And right now I feel like nothing could come between us. Because I will do whatever it takes to break my old habits and stay with him for as long as I possibly can. <3

12:09am 07/05/2006

mood:

loved

Oh my goodnesssssssss. Wow.... I went to see Mission Impossible 3 with Robbie, Carolyn, Henry, Josh, Kaytlyn, Catie, and Spencer, and then we went to Robbie's to watch a Final Fantasy movie. And even though neither movie was very good, I had an amazinggggg time. Robbie makes me giddy, my tummy feels funny. I kept kissing his cheek during M.I.3, so finally he just leaned over and kissed me, and then we both started laughing at the same time. He's so cute. He got a haircut, it's super short, but he looks good. Duh. And at his house, he was like, "You should come upstairs with me to get my application." (He's applying to Beau Jo's.) So I went upstairs, and we kissed for a little while, and then we talked a little bit. Just being around him is... amazing. I had to keep looking down to hide the fact that I was so happy that I was about to just start laughing. I am soooo happy, oh my goodness. He's adorable ahh. We get in tickle fights, which is pretty much the cutest thing ever. I can't believe that he's never given up on me. We went out a year and a half ago, and since then he hasn't lost hope. And I'm so happy he didn't, because if he had, I wouldn't be as happy and giggly as I am right now. And I hope that we last, because if I stay this happy, it could end up being the best relaionship I've had so far. Oh my. I need to go to sleep before I explode. It's late. Ahhhhh, off to dream about the man of my dreams...... *sigh* I'm freaking pathetic, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

02:56pm 01/05/2006

mood:

chipper

I am so happy. Sososososo happy. Yesterday I went to Robbie's, like I do every weekend now lol, and we watched a somewhat dumb movie (Jacob's Ladder). I actually don't know if it was stupid or really good, because the whole time I was battling Robbie as he tickled and attacked me. There was a scene where Jacob had a needle stuck through his forehead, so I screamed and curled into a ball and said "is it over?" and Robbie started pinching me over and over and saying "needles needles needles..." I hit him lol. Even when he wasn't attacking me, I couldn't focus on the movie, because when I'm with him all I can think about is how good he smells or how soft his hair is or how excited I am for us to kiss goodbye. I feel like I've turned into a giddy middle-school girl all over again... Except less prude, and less afraid of commitment lol. I like Mr.Robbie oodles. I went out with him for like a week about a year and a half ago lol. The reason that didn't work out was because I had a serious case of commitment-phobia. And I'm happy and relieved to say that that fear is gone lol. So I am hoping that whatever happens between Robbie and I turns out to be amazing. I think that anything less than amazing is impossible for a guy that incredible. I can't describe the feelings I'm having right now. I'm sooooo happy. Even the fact that I have work in two hours isn't enough to bring me down. I'm somewhat pathetic and very very cheesy, but there's no other way to act. Wow. Yay. hehehehe I'm giddy lol. I hated being single, and Robbie may be the perfect way to fix that problem. We'll see where it goes. Oh man yay.

Prom was Saturday! I've never had so much fun in my life. I was dateless, but I had a blassst. Everything was fun except the actual dance lol. The limo and dinner and after-party, and after-after party-party was fun too.

	xxmidgetbitchxx
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